I was watching a CSI New York episode where they are investigating the death of a young girl. The autopsy confirms cause of death as “broken heart”. Interesting isn’t it? Well, in medical terminology it is called cardio myopathy, this is what the ME goes on to explain later on, which can be induced due to stress, emotional upheaval etc.
Heart break is a very strange business. It is painful yet you cannot find any injury. There is a huge emotional black hole which sucks you in, leaving you devoid of any feelings. Why does this happen, remains a mystery.
A relationship that seemed to have fizzled out still left me heart-broken. Now that I think about it, it never was deep and true love. Just a caring friendship. But still I feel disappointed and upset when I think about it. It is probably because I had imagined a different future which seemed just perfect. All this thinking and fantasizing built up a strong image in my brain, which I believed to be real. The fact that my dreams wouldn’t come true was shattering.
I was aware of what was happening even before we parted ways. However there is always the hope that things will get better, and this is just a bad phase that will pass. And when it did happen I was still shocked. It took time for reality to sink in. When a person who has been a part of your life for so long, just vanishes it leaves you unbalanced. I got angry, sad, devastated, distraught, desperate, remorseful, regretful, ashamed, embarrassed. The emotional bombardment was overwhelming. I would lie awake trying to find answers as to what went wrong, I was reinforcing how sad I felt and what a loser I was. I felt terrible, and then even worse because I didn’t know if the feeling would ever end.
My friends, worried and irritated would tell me I was being neurotic. I had to move on. But the thoughts wouldn’t stop. I was not in control of my own brain. How ridiculous is that?
Someone said to me, “Love is like falling down. In the end you’re left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever.”
But what if I don’t want the memory? Can it be erased? I guess it is more like a learning lesson.
It is said that time heals. And so it has. But it leaves you wary and careful. Such experiences make you think and dissect everything. You trust less.
And such TV episodes take you back to those times which you have tried desperately to forget.